Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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