what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
COCAINE IS GR8
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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