If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
