I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
The best revenge is premature balding
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
