An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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