If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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