just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
