I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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