The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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