Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
