Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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