Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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