Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
