I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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