Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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