ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
