I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
