Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
