I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
