I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
