Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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