Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
