i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
