I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
