this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
