I think my fart just growled at me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
