Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
