she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
