i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
