Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
