Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
