apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
His nipple licking is glorious
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