Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
