He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
