I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
