Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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