Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
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Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
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Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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