So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
not ubering you a puppy
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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