maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
