if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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