I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
