dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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