I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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