What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
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Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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