the day after is always just damage control
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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