Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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