I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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