I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
