Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
barbara walters just said penis...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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