happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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