Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
