I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
