I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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