New invention idea: vibrating tampons
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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